Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's Raining Men... DUCK, RUN FOR COVAAAA!

I believe I've mentioned Ernesto and his extreme hotness. Well, let me just say that he is totally worthy of an entire post.

Have you seen Robin Hood, Men in Tights? If you haven't, you should. It's a stupid fucking movie in the absolute best ways. When I was wee, Little John and Will (Robin's sidekicks) were the objects of my adoration and they still evoke warmy fuzzies when I watch the movie. Little John is a huge man of little words while Will is sharp-witted, dark and has the prerequisite facial hair. Nesto is the perfect combination between these two, my ultimate crush.

Tall, a bigger (than my norm) man, with dark hair, eyes and sense of humor, and that saucy accent, oh the dirty things he makes me daydream...

We've worked together a little over a two years now and while there has been gentle flirting, it's not more serious than a workplace crush who, I suspect, knows of my infatuation.

He's had a hard life, being raised one of many children, first generation Americans on the nitty-gritty South Side of Milwaukee. He got into a spot of trouble when he was younger and is now focusing on flipping homes on his off-time and generally being a hermit. Literally, this guy qualifies for hermit-status, I've gotten him out with me once and I tend to be pretty persuasive when I have ulterior motives.

He's one of those people that can fix anything and proves himself invaluable to me by performing the routine maintenence on my car (while most women measure a month by menses, he has an inner 3-month calendar for oil changes and air filter checks) and also not so routine maintenence such as when my car window gets smashed in and he saves me 300.00+ dollars. And let's not forget helping me move, or setting up my bookcase (with books) or moving the enormous TV generously donated to me. And when I offer him some sort of culinary compensation (cherry pie, yo?), he graciously refuses with one of those killer smiles.

Other wonderful things about Nesto:
1. He likes me in pink - which I actually wear sometimes, although I hate it, for him. Gag.
2. He lies to me. "That split lip is barely noticeable..."
3. When he gets worked up about something, he speaks rapidly in Spanish while his voice gets louder and louder. It's really funny to hear, especially since I don't know what he's saying.
4. He's shy.
5. He's wonderful with Lola.
6. THE smile, yowza.

One HORRIBLE Thing about Nesto:
1. Longtime girlfriend, bum bum buuuuuummmmmm....

SO he finally made me an offer to go out tomorrow night for dinner and beers and I'm going to be on my best behavior. The mantra for the night will go something like "I will not put the moves on poor Nesto, I will put the moves on poor Nesto...."

But, dear audience... all I really want to do is put the moves on dear, sexy Ernesto.

PS. Another longtime crush of mine, a 30ish adjuster just let me in on the fact that him and his wife are splitting. To console him and take his mind off his grief, I'm taking him out on Friday night, ever-dependable Etta.

Christmas Break Updates

Wow, glad that X-Mas bile is out of my system, I was starting to dislike myself...

Christmas was, of course, perfectly wonderful, making me feel like a foolish harpy. Lola got many, many toys, including a doll house that actually made her step back and say "WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" She unwrapped a majority of her presents, my presents and Tee's presents, much improvement from last year when the paper itself held more wonder for her than the carefully chosen presents inside.

There was little to no whining, tamtrum-throwing or overtiredness (on her part or mine) and since I didn't have to attend more than two places this year (instead of 3+in previous years) it turned out to be the most relaxing Christmas on the books. Lo and Tee napped while I watched Willow, we ate leftover tostadas and then visited my aunt and uncle's home for enchiladas. I enjoy the Hispanic side of my family because they are accepting and loud and the kitchen's always hopping, and because they customized a whole role of enchiladas without meat especially for moi.

Next time you have 30-some crazy Mexican relatives over at your house and you are supervising/expertly filling/rolling tortillas in the enchilada chain gang, you tell me if you remember ONE/10,000 of your nieces doesn't eat meat. Love ya Uncle Dean.

Other things to note: Lola decided to eat crackers in bed one morning and I gave her my mostly unconsious go-ahead and fell back asleep. When I wake up, it was like a Ritz genocide in my bed. I had a whole role of buttery, delicious crackers sprinkled like crispy confetti, under my prostrate body, nestled between my tits, mooshed into my pillow, hiding in the crack between the bed and wall. Judging from how many there were in my bed, she probably ate about two and then realized how fun it was to shower Sleeping Butthead with them. I'm just glad she hasn't pulled one of those poop-smears, it could've been a lot worse.

On the Tee Front, we went to see The Spirit on Sunday and I believe that while absence makes the heart grow fonder, close proximity just makes us fucking annoyed with one another. If you have a cuddly, comfortable date-night in mind (as I did), keep dreaming. This was stiff and careful, almost formal without the pleasant nervousness of a date with someone you don't know that well. We were so anxious not to say the wrong thing, piss the other off, that we barely talked, smiled only a little, laughed not at all. This is stupid, why are we even trying?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I'll Wish You A Genuinely OK Christmas

The fact that every Christmas wish is preceded by a cheery adjective (MERRY Christmas, HAPPY Holidays, Have a GREAT New Year) and is often directed at me from such insincere sources as telemarketers and Kohl's cashiers makes me decidedly UNfestive.

This year I've avoided the overload of Christmas carols (a sure way make me surly) as I no longer work in retail and I've invested in XM (now Sirius) radio and my new shiny, radioactive-banana-yellow Ipod but the whole I can't help but express my opinion that this holiday rings of falseness and stinks of consumerism. All the things I enjoy about Christmas (see list below) are in short-stock this year. I'm working overtime to pay bills and afford presents, robbing me of cookie/family time and as for the kisses, see enormous, untimely cold sore...
1. Family
2. Making cookies/mess in the kitchen
3. Shopping for people I love
4. Mistletoe kisses
5. Christmas smells (probably fits with #2)
6. Seeing Lo get all excited about her presents

I was involved in a car accident on the coldest day of the eon and my poor BFF is pretty down about the loss of her car. Basic rule of thumb in my life: when Megan is down, it affects my mood as well. Blah.

Also, I just found out a friend's dad died a few days ago, he couldn't have been more than 55. Although he has been in poorish health since I've known her and I found him to be wholly unlikable, I've been caught up in a gauntlet of morbid thoughts. Thoughts that cannot be shared because although I consider myself a somewhat-educated modern woman, I do have irrational superstitions about "saying" these macabre what-if's

Can't we just go the more heartfelt and realistic route of wishing someone an OK Christmas? Why does it have to be so FANmuthafuckinTASTIC, because Hallmark says so? Bah Humbug.

Yikes, this post sure is whiny. Lo siento for bringing the holiday cheer down 20 notches, I'm sure life will be peachy once I go hang out with Lo!

Have a jolly, merry, fun, exciting, relaxing, edible, happy Christmas ya'll.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Put On A Happy Face

Neil Gaiman is so sexy...
Guess who bought herself The Absolute Sandman Vol. I (for twenty bucks less than list price) after dreaming about it for two months??

Yup, good guess, I did.

Guess who's going to have a great Christmas despite family functions numbering in the zillions, a cold sore so big it's developing its own personality, potential Lola/holiday toy meltdowns and prolonged contact with Tee's mother?

That's right, me.

A good book can fix ANYTHING folks. And now I've just confirmed my nerdiness to the entire world, but la-de-da, I don't care because this comic book is "for intellectuals."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Uterus Out On Lunch, Be Back In 5 Years

I wanted a son. I want a son. A little guy to love his Mama best and think his best sister is the coolest in the world. I remember the agony of waiting and anticipation of the bated-breathe genre to meet your child. I know the (possible) next time around, I won't be so fearful, I could enjoy the process more... The planning of the perfect nursery, washing baby clothes, holding and nursing your child for the first time.

UGH, fucking hormones.

Everybody said that once the first child is about two, that's when moms start wanting another. I HATE when everybody is right. Luckily, although heavily swayed by hormones and impulse (hence Lola) I am not entirely ruled by such hasty factors and I do have common sense.

Therefore, a list:

Excellent Reasons Why Having Another Child Is a Stupid Fucking Idea:
1. No house
2. No boyfriend
3. No money
4. 4+ years of school STILL
5. Loans, car payments
6. Love having my body to myself
7. Can't fit groceries and 2 car seats in my car
8. Only 23!
9. HATE pregnancy!!!!!!
10. Work full-time, school part-time

These crazy baby-thoughts don't appear out of thin air however, I've had help. Example A: Tee seems to be mentioning Lo's babyhood an awful lot lately, with a tone of wistfulness that I admit to feeling as well. Example B: He's been teasing me about admitting to wanting another child but when he mentions the future there is an "s" after kid, as is more than the one we have right now. Example C: After mentioning my boobs hurt (the only symptom of getting my period, hurray Mirena!) he said "maybe you're pregnant" in a jovial, ha-ha kind of way that contained more than a hint of hope.

AHHHHHH! Admittedly, we do work well as a parental team but that's a really bad reason to create another child if we're unsure of our long-term compatibility. Who created my loathesome enemy, the pituitary gland!?

For the sake of ourselves and especially Lo, I will be installing an electric fence around my vulva and one of those spiky anti-rape tampons where instead of mauling the intruding penis, it'll inconsolably wail with a newborns cry for 3 hours. Ha, self! Try and get horny now...

Oh yeah, and I'll leave my IUD in til it's time to get another installed...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Reflections on a Child Well-Cooked

When I was cooking Lo, I was intensely curious to see what she would turn out like. When she was born, I was pretty disappointed because, well, she looked like zillion other babies have and will look: small, scrawny and squished. She's slowly becoming her own wonderful person and one month and eight days before she turns two, I'm going to record some of wonderful Lolaness I've experienced and predict what I think will happen next.
Lola has this little button nose. Her nostrils are perfectly round, the perfect size to stick baby peas or candy buttons into. Having done this myself as a child, I know it's a bad idea but it's still tempting because her nose seems made for foreign objects. Both Tee's and my nose are long and lean (probably the only part of me that can be described as such) and my nostrils tend more towards a keyhole shape, although I have resisted the urge to insert keys in them, I have learned some lessons in my 23 years...

Lola has beautiful lips. She has a sunshiney smile that lights up her whole face and invites the viewer of said smile to give one of their own. Right now, her face has the tendency to look very serious or somber if she's not smiling, a trait I must've passed on. I do hope she outgrows this as I have people who tell me I was forbidding and hard to approach if I was quiet and unsmiling when we met. Oftentimes this is because I'm either uncomfortable, shy or hungover, but I don't like coming off as unreceptable to new people simply because I'm not smiling.

This somber tendency does have the positive effect of contrast though, for when Lola does smile, it makes her face light up, her eyes crinkle, her dimples peep out and her tiny pearly whites flash. It should be described more as shiteatin' grin than a smile though, her jaws slightly opened, that naughty gleam in her eyes....

Someday, her face will elongate and her high cheekbones (just barely visible now) will emerge from her presently round, fat cheeks. Her tiny rosebud mouth will spread wider across her face and her lower lip will gain a sensual curve.

Those dark, dark eyes with those ridiculously long, black lashes will stay the same, just a bit smaller than most with a tendency to "squinch" up when she laughs. She'll use those unreadable eyes to hold someone's stare when they try to intimidate her, she'll likely need glasses to correct their inheirited awful vision and she'll poke them with the dreaded mascara wand poke known to women (and some men) 'round the world.

Her wispy baby hair with its ringlet curls will thicken...and thicken... and thicken til its a truly unruly mass. Her mama will NEVER make her cut or brush it if she doesn't want to, but dreads are a definite possibility if such is the case.

As for her personality, Lo prefers one on one attention with her fans. She enjoys singing, dancing (swing and slow) and reading books (YEA!). She has a strong streak of goofiness that when she's "caught" doing something weird, she'll give a little smile that conveys "yeah, even I know this weird, but hey, I'm Lola..." She's snuggly at times, often suprising me with requests of "up, UP" just to cup my face in her little hands, look at me, smile and give an eskimo kiss, so cute I could barf.

She's got quirks that stink of OCD like rigorously cleaning ANY lint or dirt from between her toes, thrusting her entire arm down my shirt to squeeze, place toys between and shout at my boobs and constantly rambling on about and demanding kisses on "owww-ies" until the damn things finally heal.

This might mean that I'm raising a bedreaded, bespectacled, smiley button-nosed,cleanfreak, hypochondriac lesbian but I choose to think it's probably just one well-cooked kid.

PS. More pictures of this wonderful kid of mine after X-Mas, we hear Santa might be getting us a camera...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ketchup, Mustard, Onions, Lettuce, Tomato, Garlic Mayo and a Whole Wheat Bun

Wow, long break.

Synopsis of busy time:

Went to Chicago, was sick, was COLD, was miserable...but I got a pretty cool purse that I'm not supposed to know about for X-Mas so it made it almost worth it. Missed Lola like a dull, constant toothache, glad to be home!

Shopped til I dropped, on several occasions for other people I love dearly.

Lola, Tee and I have been spending a lot of family time together, see shopping til we're dropping...

Lo now says "yeis" instead of "yeeeeaaaaahh" after my mom yelled at my brother for mumbling "yeah" all the time. It's so cute it crunches down on my tasty, crunchy exterior shell and melts my itty-bitty milk chocolate heart. Ok, I don't know why I referenced an M&M as my heart, it's been a weird day...

Went out drinking beer and Celtic Crossing with Meg and Roy one Wednesday night after school (on a truly empty stomach, STOOOPID) and barfed my fucking guts out. Did I mention this was a Wednesday night? And I had to wake up for work at 6am the next day? I will say that my new toilet bowl cleaner really gets the job done though, I'm sticking with this product.




Tee asked me out on a date, I accepted (and was actually kinda giddy about it) but then we didn't have a sitter so Lo and I went to sleep at 9:30am and Tee went out with friends.

I guess that's all folks, all calm on the Midwest Front.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Material Expressions of My Holiday Spirit


Nelly - DVD player, Chappelle Show, earrings

Dad - Mudcrutch CD, The Watchmen graphic novel

Lola - Boots, BabyLegs, book

Gray - Book, Shrek DVD, Bandaids

Jessica - Bakewise, Cowgirl chapstick

Megan - Record wall sconces, Malt Shoppe CD

Roy - the cutest ashtray in all the world

Mari - Zappa print

Pete - REI giftcard, My Ishmael book

Corrina - Virgin Chapstick, Dreamy socks, necklace that will come AFTER X-mas


Chad - 1/16th, chillum, burn some "smokin' music"

Tee - 8GB flash drive, skull wristwarmers, get socks

Edited as of 12-18-08

Tropical Pirates In a Frigid Port

Holy backlog of silly, unpublished posts... Merry Early X-Mas present!

A WI List

* Pirates Don't Like Winter Because:

Waking up earlier to warm up the car
Falling on my ass due to hidden ice
The murky yellow color I turn that can only be achieved by 4.5 months of winter
Cold air makes my sensitive teeth twinge, ick
The slow decline into constant irritation due to lack of sunlight for days on end.
The glasses fog when entering a room
Neverending hum of space heaters
Packing a squirmy toddler in an enormous yellow poofy-coat into a carseat while snowflakes are attacking my exposed lower back.
Replacing the boots, mittens, hat, scarf and socks that Lola took off while in the car, every time we need to get out.
Car can't make it up the hill
The view outside the windows perfectly matches my boring white walls inside
Practical WI boots = ugly and cool ones = death
Fingers and toes go all purple and numb
We currently have 5" and showing no signs of stopping...make it stop, make it stop, make it STOP!

* Pro-pirate activities

Snow angels
Sledding and the Lola squeals it induces
Seeing Lo in a huge poofy yellow coat, snowpants, mittens and scarf, hat, he he, very Christmas Story-like
Easy to find animal tracks, feel like Strider from LOTR's
Smoke less
Can grow out leg hair
Vegetarian chili and root beer floats
Stay home (enforced by feet of snow) and watch movies
Snow days
Hot chocolate & Baileys

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My Wonderful Kid

I've been doing a lot of thinking about being a mom lately and (obviously) specifically being Lola's mom.

Before Lo was born, I was worried I wouldn't be comfortable with being called Mommy. (For the record, I'm still not "Mommy" but I am a bonafide "Mama.") I'm sure I'm not the first nor last first-timer to have qualms about entering the realm of title vs the more familiar name, I still think it was a valid worry because I'm not so quick to accept change.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when Mama become comfortable but I can tell you that I took me a long while before I could refer to myself as Mama without an inner wince.

Last night I found myself at Panera, alone for once because Tee's mother had Lo. I listened to a little girl calling her "Moooooooooommmmmm" to see what kind of soda to fill their communal cup with. Now I'm not prone to fits or faints or seizures or visions, us sturdy Midwesterners are stoically ANTI that sort of nonsense but I had this weird, dizzy disorientation while watching this child.
"Is that what Lola sounds like when calling me?"
"Is that Lola in a few years?"
"How do I identify with that woman, a mother?"
"Will that be me in a few years?"

I saw myself stacked amongst the rest of the worlds' moms, like still frames in a projector reel.

This got me thinking of images of mothers everywhere, all the same, same name, same post-partum shape, same weary way of responding "what honey?" I actually had to shake my head to dispel this uncomfortable train of thought and allow my rational side to take over.

I don't have to identify with that woman just because we're both mothers. Lola and I are a mother-daughter dream team no matter the parallels we have with others. Despite the fact that I DO carry the same title as millions of other women. I DO have a saggy mom-body and I DO have the habit of absentmindedly answering Lola's many queries with "yes baby...?"

I think I was worried about a loss of self way back when Lo was in utero and I was busy terrifying myself with "what-if's". I saw the similarities of the many many Moms out there but there was one thing I didn't, nay, couldn't have known yet.

While I do share many characteristics with many others, there's one thing I don't share with them... Lola. And this is a major difference indeed. Because Lo is so original in and of herself, I can indulge in some typical mom behavior like forgetting to care about things the used to matter (shaving of legs, styling of hair, clean clothes), having a horribly messy car (mooshed crackers, spilled juice), and looking wildly around a store when I hear a child shouting "MAMA, MAMA!" even when my child is in the cart in front of me.

Lo counteracts this by singing about everyday objects like newts, Nanny-Baby Kitty, Mama, ice and the moon. By being so contemptuous of banana anything that the offending food item will get an icy stare, how dare it be banana flavored? By sleeping with her mouth open, unabashedly snoring. By being Lo.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, a very small but key difference can save you from being just like everyone else. Mine is approximately 29 pounds and is the Lola half of the Lola and Mama dream team.

Borrowed "Humor"

Thanks MB!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Nothing too exciting to write so I decided to post a picture of me and my most favorite of redheads. This picture makes me smile. It also convinces me that I need to tone up my arms.