I'm Back: Intro and Randoms

The Intro:
(Aka the email I sent to MB.)

You cured my fucking blog! I am convinced, in your almighty MB ways that by giving me a fabulous award, you have saved Blackheart Lola.

That's probably pretty incoherent, so let me explain. Last award, I was so excited. Thought through my answers, wrote a bit, answered a phone, came back and changed a line or two. I was creating a truly award-worthy post, y'see. Finally, it's done, I hit POST and the entire screen goes black.

For weeks, I've been periodically checking up on my magnificient blog of blackness to see if it's miraculously undouched itself. My computer-minded friends, the mighty internet, even the help boards couldn't save it, and I gave up.

I consoled myself in the fact that I could still keep up with the lives of my "regulars" but it wasn't until you gave me award #2 before I decided to click on my own link, one more time. For serendipity...

And wouldn't you know it, Mary Beth magic. Without further ado, I will blog for you madame.

Randoms:
(Aka kitchin up)

Last night as I was putting Lola to sleep, I had a thought and an urge to write about said thought. "Wish my blog was working." said my grey matter. Now, lo and behold, my blog IS working! and I forgot my thought. "Wish my grey matter was working!" says my blog.

I'm not real crazy about being buried. (Note to self, blog about body disposal.) There are so many awesome things you can do with your body after you are no longer using it, it seems a waste to pump it full of chemicals, put it in a satin-lined box and let it eventually rot and seep chemicals into satin and earth. That's too sanitized, wasteful and icky for me.
But after waking up this morning, wedged between Monkey and Lo, I may have softened my attitude a bit. I would be spending a happy eternity between the two of them, if it didn't mean they had to be dead as well. I think I'm still going to stick with my original plan: snuggle between them as much as I can while we're alive and then burn baby burn, after I'm dead. Oldie but goodie.

Things have been getting interesting on the man front but as one of them wants to read this blog, I'm not sure if I can comment quite yet. All I'm gonna say is that I went on one truly wonderful escapism Valentine's Day date which included books (three levels worth, hot damn!), wine and chow. Also, I took Nesto out with me and who should oh-wow-what-a-coincedence-show-up but Tee, so we hung out, the three of us for an hour or so. I don't remeber the last time I've been that uncomfortable, if ever.

A woman I know was pregnant and now is not. I guess deep down I hoped that she would choose the same route I did but I acknowledge the fact this route ain't for everyone. Shit, sometimes it ain't for me. Still doesn't help appease the hollow-soul grief I feel for her and the hard decision she had to face. I'm sorry lovie.

On that sorrowful note, I leave you. I am off to work. And in "work," I mean gather the information needed for my dead body post. Morbid? Maybe. Macabre? Just a touch. Interesting? Oh yes.

Call Me Mama WorryWort

So, John Travolta's son just died. CNN's IReport asked for personal stories and words of hope for the Travoltas and oh my lordy, can you say tears at work?!

Car accidents, drowning, suicide, murder; no matter the method, the pain was there.

Parenting is such a daunting task already in the fact that if you fuck up, you ruin a life. Gee, no pressure. Add into the mix that you're not just aiming to raise said child into adulthood, but guide them into becoming well-rounded, wonderful members of society. Add into that there are events over which you have NO control which will affect said child, possibly doing them harm and my little control freak brain nearly explodes...

This means I am currently worried about any or all of the following: Seizures, violent allergic reactions, car accidents, the pool gate left open, rabid beasts, zombies, nice old neighbors who turn out to be pedophiles, escalators, drive-by shootings, ax-wielding maniacs, heavy machinary, house fires, cancer, dehydration, rampaging tigers etc.

Jeez, no wonder I'm so tired by the end of the day.

That said, I don't let these worries paralyze me and I'm certainly not an overprotective mother (eating dirt won't hurt her, she'll find out soon enough it doesn't taste good...) but it's scary all the same. The feeling of helplessness in the face of so many things that could go wrong for a person I've been put on this earth to raise and protect, simply not fair.

And THEN I think about all the stupid shit I've done, like natural diasters such as tornadoes and zombies don't endanger us enough.

7 years ago... "Snorting pain killers while rolling isn't that bad, is it?" (For the record folks, bad idea.)

Take your pick of years ago... "Wellll, I don't have a condom, do you?"

5 years ago... "Let's eat these mushrooms, grab the Jack and go swimming!"

8 years ago..."We gonna play chicken, bitch."

I find it likely that at some point in Lo's life, there will be a moment in which her life hangs in the balance. I think all of us have been in a situation like this, the blessing is that we don't always know it.

EXAMPLE: A classmate was once involved in a really bad car accident. The car flipped, smashed into a tree, caught fire, the works. Everybody walked away relatively ok and when the fire dept. arrived, the classmate was told that if he hadn't have just filled up his gas tank, the car would've exploded rather than burned.

That small, everyday decision of filling up his tank may have saved his life.

As Lo gets older, I know I'll worry more and more. The curse of parenthood. My sympathies to the Travoltas.

I'll Wish You A Genuinely OK Christmas

The fact that every Christmas wish is preceded by a cheery adjective (MERRY Christmas, HAPPY Holidays, Have a GREAT New Year) and is often directed at me from such insincere sources as telemarketers and Kohl's cashiers makes me decidedly UNfestive.

This year I've avoided the overload of Christmas carols (a sure way make me surly) as I no longer work in retail and I've invested in XM (now Sirius) radio and my new shiny, radioactive-banana-yellow Ipod but the whole I can't help but express my opinion that this holiday rings of falseness and stinks of consumerism. All the things I enjoy about Christmas (see list below) are in short-stock this year. I'm working overtime to pay bills and afford presents, robbing me of cookie/family time and as for the kisses, see enormous, untimely cold sore...
1. Family
2. Making cookies/mess in the kitchen
3. Shopping for people I love
4. Mistletoe kisses
5. Christmas smells (probably fits with #2)
6. Seeing Lo get all excited about her presents

I was involved in a car accident on the coldest day of the eon and my poor BFF is pretty down about the loss of her car. Basic rule of thumb in my life: when Megan is down, it affects my mood as well. Blah.

Also, I just found out a friend's dad died a few days ago, he couldn't have been more than 55. Although he has been in poorish health since I've known her and I found him to be wholly unlikable, I've been caught up in a gauntlet of morbid thoughts. Thoughts that cannot be shared because although I consider myself a somewhat-educated modern woman, I do have irrational superstitions about "saying" these macabre what-if's
aloud.

Can't we just go the more heartfelt and realistic route of wishing someone an OK Christmas? Why does it have to be so FANmuthafuckinTASTIC, because Hallmark says so? Bah Humbug.

Yikes, this post sure is whiny. Lo siento for bringing the holiday cheer down 20 notches, I'm sure life will be peachy once I go hang out with Lo!

Have a jolly, merry, fun, exciting, relaxing, edible, happy Christmas ya'll.

Smokin'

Last night I had a dream that Tee died while in Madison. His roomie called me telling me the horrible news and my first dream-thought was "shit, he didn't have any life insurance." How cold. How calculating. Is the economy scare that bad that even my subconsious is scheming for ways to protect myself and my child? That's a spooky thought, just in time for Halloween.

After waking up from this dream, in which Tee suffocated/drowned on his own phlegm (yuck), I sent him a text message saying: "I had a dream you died, we both need to stop smoking."

So, here's my Halloween resolution: dramatically cut back and then stop completely. I know my Halloween is going to be filled with a frightening array of booze so it's going to be a tough one as I seldom smoke a cigarette if I'm not drinking. A social smoker if you will. I'll let you know how it goes.

In other smoking news, I found a website that's pretty fucking cool. The pictures are neat, if sad. Is it wrong for me to say that even after viewing them, I still want my own opium den? The opium would be welcome but not required. Instead, I want a lush opium bed with oriental tapestries on the walls and silk bed curtains so I can read my "calligraphic scrolls bearing auspicious sayings" while pretending my bed is a fort. Maybe this stems from needing a place that's mine, all mine or maybe it's from a love of all things ritual? I have very little of either: even bathroom time is not mine, all mine and my daily ritual involved making a cuppa tea and both last about 5 minutes tops.

Anyone want to make me an opium den and buy Tee some life insurance?

The Death Scene

I'm not sure if having a funeral is more for the mourners than for the dead as some people hold true. I understand that a chance to talk about the dead with others who loved that person can be healing, but a funeral can also be a disaster. I once went to the funeral of a guy I went to school with since kindergarten. I became fast friends with him and his twin sister in high school and Tom and I ended up doing drugs together. A LOT. I ended up having a few years of drug-romance but towards the end, my men and I were getting edgy and irritated with one another, probably (duh) from the drugs....

I cleaned up my act a bit and then cleaned up a lot more when I became pregnant. Tom didn't. He got shot during a drug deal gone bad, drove away but ended up crashing his car and dying.

During his funeral, a pastor told us alllll about Tom. His personable ways (true), his belief in the goodness of people (eh), and his love of god (ummm...)
By the time he was finished, I had a shitty look of open-mouthed disbelief on my face that probably looked incongrous at a funeral. Fuck it, I thought, this is bullshit. These people clearly didn't know Tom, the music sucked, we always talked about getting high at each others' funerals and everyone was mindblowingly sober. I do NOT intend for this to go down at my funeral, even if a funeral is more for the mourners. I only get one and I'm planning it now to make sure it goes my way.

MUSIC:

And When I Die - Watermelon Slim

This one I will have to update once I get my TP CD's back in order. I've been choosing songs for my death for years now.

DECORATIONS/GUEST CLOTHING:

Dark red anything. Black cloths over the mirrors (like Stella's funeral hey Tee?) Guest should wear casual clothes: jeans, t-shirts. A nice veil here and there wouldn't hurt because they are so romantic but not necessary. Please, do not pull the suit out on my account, complete overkill.

SPEAKERS:

NO religious men (or women) of any kind. NO talk about where I am now besides the huge ass diamond my ashes are going to make. Hey, NO talk about burning in hellfire either. NO Purgatory. NO religion! Disobey me on this one and I'm so haunting your ass.

Lo, singing the lemondrop/raindrop/ah ah song. That's probably the most cheerful, obxious song I can think of and coming out of Lola's mouth, it's so fucking sweet, some diabetics might just drop dead as well. This is a must.

Roy, Megan - they can say whatever the hell they want. They can stand at the podium and wail if that's what they'd like to say, I just want them to be there.

Anybody else that I liked during life (Tee, Roy and Megan please regulate on this one, I simply can't abide that someone I hated talk about me when I can't stop them.) can speak, don't get too mushy, DON'T get religious. Oh yeah, and don't say "she's in a better place now" that's so lame.

THINGS I'D LIKE REMEMBERED: love of grizzly bears, squid, Lola, Monkey, Tee, books. Fear & disgust of pregnancy yet managing to become an ok mom. Excitement at archaeological discoveries and new authors and movies. DORK. Jeep. Cooking. Partying. Zoo. Waukesha Travel Whores. Spreading the love.

FOOD & DRINK: Full bar, canapes. Taco dip. Megan should make the artichoke dip. Roasted red pepper hummus with pita chips. Bagels and cream cheese. Mom's spinach manicotti or lasagna. New Glarus Staghorn beer. Good gin & tonics for Mari. Plenty of limes to stab for Megan. Plates, napkins, tablecloths should be a dark red. Dark red is the theme color if I get coffin options.

DONATIONS: Send donations to either:
Lola's schooling
Purebred Cat Rescue
Set up a scholarship for single mom's at UW-Waukesha. Don't make the required GPA too high, single mom's have a lot on their plate!

Location: Either Natureland Park in Whitewater, Frame Park in Waukesha or Nice Ash. If money is problematic, my parents' house can work as well.


WILL:

Tee gets Monkey. You lucky, lucky dog. You also get all my books (excepting a few further down). You are making out like a bandit in my mind. You also need to posthumously promise me that you won't live at your mom's house with Lo, you know my concerns, please honor them after I'm dead. You and Lo get my life insurance money for school.

Megan: you get my couch. I know you love it. You also get my diary, if you can find it and my enormous green blanket that is the twin to your blue one. If I have any mugs that you like, I would prefer you take them to drink tea in. I love drinking tea with you after a long night of drinking booze. Any money I have in my Edward Jones investment portfolio I would like you have for school. All 400.00 of it...

Royboy: you get my pots and pans, cheese grater, colander, potato peeler etc. Throw out your crappy kitchen tools. You also get my Friends & Family address book because it's got the most beautiful picture of you on it. Any art on my walls that you like, please take it and decorate your house a little!

Meg: you get my applegreen KitchenAid and cheesecake pan. I pass the cheesecake torch to you woman!

Nelly: you get my TV and DVD collection. I feel that this is most appropriate because we have so many movie memories together. You also get my car. I know it's not as cool as the Caddys you were looking at but it's mine, so treat it well.

Lola: you get all my pictures, my camera memory card and my blessing to do with them as you please. You also get a majority of my jewelry, please take better care of it than I have. I will be writing you a letter later on that I'll give to you since I have too much to say to you in the Will portion.

Mom: you get my moonstone ring and my turquoise pendant with the swirls around the edges, those are my two favorite pieces of jewelry you bought me. I've always appreciated being showered by your well-chosen handmade jewlery!

Dad: You get my CD's, I'm sure you'll be able to pick out which ones were my favorite while listening to them.

Corrina: I'd like you to take over this blog should I die. Not much of a gift I know but I feel as if you need an outlet and this might be a better gift than it sounds. I also want you to have the fish eye necklace (tans and browns) made up of tiny beads that you wore constantly when you were younger. Lola and I take turns wearing it now, we've been keeping it safe for you. Also, please take my thin red watch. I know it won't work well in the vet office but it's so pretty and it never gets used.

Greyman: you get my complete collection of Edgar Allen Poe. It's a little scary now buddy but that's real genius wrapped up in book form. I'd also like you to have any Shakespeare plays I have, make sure you're Mama and Daddy read them to you.

Pete: Please take back the ring you made for Blake for me. I love that ring, it's so beautiful, feel free to melt it down and make something beautiful for someone else you love. But do it for free.

Jessica: I want you to have my purses, bags, backpacks etc. I know you're a purse lady and I'd prefer them to go to someone who appreciates beauty ha!

Chad: pleae take the money plant in the blue pot at Tee's house in return for the death of the collection cactus. That money plant is supposed to (duh) bring you money so make sure to keep it alive and happy at Servpro!

I guess I don't have a lot of material goods, no hefty investments to pass on. But I do have a lot of love for the people mentioned in my will and everything I've chosen to pass on has been carefully considered according to that persons' need and character. With that said, adieu.

Etta