Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Death Scene

I'm not sure if having a funeral is more for the mourners than for the dead as some people hold true. I understand that a chance to talk about the dead with others who loved that person can be healing, but a funeral can also be a disaster. I once went to the funeral of a guy I went to school with since kindergarten. I became fast friends with him and his twin sister in high school and Tom and I ended up doing drugs together. A LOT. I ended up having a few years of drug-romance but towards the end, my men and I were getting edgy and irritated with one another, probably (duh) from the drugs....

I cleaned up my act a bit and then cleaned up a lot more when I became pregnant. Tom didn't. He got shot during a drug deal gone bad, drove away but ended up crashing his car and dying.

During his funeral, a pastor told us alllll about Tom. His personable ways (true), his belief in the goodness of people (eh), and his love of god (ummm...)
By the time he was finished, I had a shitty look of open-mouthed disbelief on my face that probably looked incongrous at a funeral. Fuck it, I thought, this is bullshit. These people clearly didn't know Tom, the music sucked, we always talked about getting high at each others' funerals and everyone was mindblowingly sober. I do NOT intend for this to go down at my funeral, even if a funeral is more for the mourners. I only get one and I'm planning it now to make sure it goes my way.


And When I Die - Watermelon Slim

This one I will have to update once I get my TP CD's back in order. I've been choosing songs for my death for years now.


Dark red anything. Black cloths over the mirrors (like Stella's funeral hey Tee?) Guest should wear casual clothes: jeans, t-shirts. A nice veil here and there wouldn't hurt because they are so romantic but not necessary. Please, do not pull the suit out on my account, complete overkill.


NO religious men (or women) of any kind. NO talk about where I am now besides the huge ass diamond my ashes are going to make. Hey, NO talk about burning in hellfire either. NO Purgatory. NO religion! Disobey me on this one and I'm so haunting your ass.

Lo, singing the lemondrop/raindrop/ah ah song. That's probably the most cheerful, obxious song I can think of and coming out of Lola's mouth, it's so fucking sweet, some diabetics might just drop dead as well. This is a must.

Roy, Megan - they can say whatever the hell they want. They can stand at the podium and wail if that's what they'd like to say, I just want them to be there.

Anybody else that I liked during life (Tee, Roy and Megan please regulate on this one, I simply can't abide that someone I hated talk about me when I can't stop them.) can speak, don't get too mushy, DON'T get religious. Oh yeah, and don't say "she's in a better place now" that's so lame.

THINGS I'D LIKE REMEMBERED: love of grizzly bears, squid, Lola, Monkey, Tee, books. Fear & disgust of pregnancy yet managing to become an ok mom. Excitement at archaeological discoveries and new authors and movies. DORK. Jeep. Cooking. Partying. Zoo. Waukesha Travel Whores. Spreading the love.

FOOD & DRINK: Full bar, canapes. Taco dip. Megan should make the artichoke dip. Roasted red pepper hummus with pita chips. Bagels and cream cheese. Mom's spinach manicotti or lasagna. New Glarus Staghorn beer. Good gin & tonics for Mari. Plenty of limes to stab for Megan. Plates, napkins, tablecloths should be a dark red. Dark red is the theme color if I get coffin options.

DONATIONS: Send donations to either:
Lola's schooling
Purebred Cat Rescue
Set up a scholarship for single mom's at UW-Waukesha. Don't make the required GPA too high, single mom's have a lot on their plate!

Location: Either Natureland Park in Whitewater, Frame Park in Waukesha or Nice Ash. If money is problematic, my parents' house can work as well.


Tee gets Monkey. You lucky, lucky dog. You also get all my books (excepting a few further down). You are making out like a bandit in my mind. You also need to posthumously promise me that you won't live at your mom's house with Lo, you know my concerns, please honor them after I'm dead. You and Lo get my life insurance money for school.

Megan: you get my couch. I know you love it. You also get my diary, if you can find it and my enormous green blanket that is the twin to your blue one. If I have any mugs that you like, I would prefer you take them to drink tea in. I love drinking tea with you after a long night of drinking booze. Any money I have in my Edward Jones investment portfolio I would like you have for school. All 400.00 of it...

Royboy: you get my pots and pans, cheese grater, colander, potato peeler etc. Throw out your crappy kitchen tools. You also get my Friends & Family address book because it's got the most beautiful picture of you on it. Any art on my walls that you like, please take it and decorate your house a little!

Meg: you get my applegreen KitchenAid and cheesecake pan. I pass the cheesecake torch to you woman!

Nelly: you get my TV and DVD collection. I feel that this is most appropriate because we have so many movie memories together. You also get my car. I know it's not as cool as the Caddys you were looking at but it's mine, so treat it well.

Lola: you get all my pictures, my camera memory card and my blessing to do with them as you please. You also get a majority of my jewelry, please take better care of it than I have. I will be writing you a letter later on that I'll give to you since I have too much to say to you in the Will portion.

Mom: you get my moonstone ring and my turquoise pendant with the swirls around the edges, those are my two favorite pieces of jewelry you bought me. I've always appreciated being showered by your well-chosen handmade jewlery!

Dad: You get my CD's, I'm sure you'll be able to pick out which ones were my favorite while listening to them.

Corrina: I'd like you to take over this blog should I die. Not much of a gift I know but I feel as if you need an outlet and this might be a better gift than it sounds. I also want you to have the fish eye necklace (tans and browns) made up of tiny beads that you wore constantly when you were younger. Lola and I take turns wearing it now, we've been keeping it safe for you. Also, please take my thin red watch. I know it won't work well in the vet office but it's so pretty and it never gets used.

Greyman: you get my complete collection of Edgar Allen Poe. It's a little scary now buddy but that's real genius wrapped up in book form. I'd also like you to have any Shakespeare plays I have, make sure you're Mama and Daddy read them to you.

Pete: Please take back the ring you made for Blake for me. I love that ring, it's so beautiful, feel free to melt it down and make something beautiful for someone else you love. But do it for free.

Jessica: I want you to have my purses, bags, backpacks etc. I know you're a purse lady and I'd prefer them to go to someone who appreciates beauty ha!

Chad: pleae take the money plant in the blue pot at Tee's house in return for the death of the collection cactus. That money plant is supposed to (duh) bring you money so make sure to keep it alive and happy at Servpro!

I guess I don't have a lot of material goods, no hefty investments to pass on. But I do have a lot of love for the people mentioned in my will and everything I've chosen to pass on has been carefully considered according to that persons' need and character. With that said, adieu.


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