Monday, October 20, 2008

The MB Post

I love Mary Beth. "Why?" you ask. Well, I guess I should give you list of the reasons:

1. She was the last person I talked to before going into labor. I felt like crying (and did) or offing myself. I was big and hugely pregnant, scared and tired and lonesome and MB was nearly there herself. Despite this, she offered me the sympathy only another pregnant woman could give along with her natural dose of realism. She was a seasoned mother of two cute-ass little kids, I believed in her optimism. I would've believed her if she said the moon really was made of cheese, but she was right, as usual.

2. MB is an internet guru. I met her via Babyfit and as all first time mothers, I had questions. Well, Mary Beth has answers people! Either from experience, her nimble-fingered internet searches or merely intuition, she knowsssss things man. When the old man on the moutaintop finally dies in my area, I'm going to try and replace him with MB.

3. I've always had an unrealistic view of motherhood. (This is a whole separate post, maybe today if I get motivated.) MB along with a few other moms really helped me to realise that there is no such thing as a supermom. You pick and choose your battles, do your best and love the shit out of your kids. She convinced me that belief in yourself as a parent doesn't always come with the birth, you just learn as you go. I'm in her debt for these lessons.

4. She sends me things like this:
The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN ?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies.......

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

when things aren't going so smooth.

5. And duh, she's lovable.

3 comments:

Boo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Irishembi said...

I love you too babe! And I could start a Mutual Admiration Society here and assure you that even if you don't know it, your sharp-ass wit, extreme intelligence, and just you being you (HOLY SHIT I've been watching too much Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood haven't I?) has made my day almost anytime I talk to you.

katiebear said...

I LOVE MB TOO!!!