Ode to Royboy

I've been meaning to create a post to Roy for awhile now and today (you lucky bastards) is the day.

Roy is my BFF, a title which I actually introduce him to others as. Yeah, I get weird looks and disdainful half-grins from people, secretly thinking: "did she seriously just say that?" And you know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed to introduce this man in all his charm and sheer audacious asshole-ness as my Best Friend 4Eva.


And the lame part about it, I've heard him introduce me the same way. Gag.


Roy and I started out enemies on the high school bus. I dreaded riding this bus because I know he was going to start some shit and I would be obligated to end it. He was a racist, sexist, pompous, Republican asshole and I hated his fucking guts. (I believe that may be a direct quote from a note passed in Econ.)


Anyway, we had mutual friends and I learned that he was really rich. Like, really rich. And this scored in his favor, not in the ususal way that "really rich" scores points, but in the manner that you would never in a million years know that Roy is rich from his demeanor. He dressed (and still does) like a hick from the sticks, drove a shitty old Ford Aerostar van that was maroon and smelled of chickens and expired dog food and never even mentioned money.


Eventually we put aside our animosity over underage keg parties and our mutual love of animals and founded a rock-solid friendship in between bong rips and attending traumatic funerals .

Roy is still an asshole, but he's slowly recovering. His sexism and racism rarely show their unwelcome faces (at least around me because I'll rip his head off...) but he's my counterpart in all the ways that count.


This is the guy who hears it all, who knows the best and the worst of me. We disagree on just about everything but we do it with love. My confidante who hangs out with me, hears my stories, makes fun of me so much I just want to kill him...and then do it all over again next weekend.

When people mention a sexual connection between us, I get offended and angry. How dare they besmirch our relationship with such a base desire?! Who the fuck do they think they are? And do they know who we are? We are Etta and Roy, a fabulous heterosexual, non-sexual life partnership.

So readers, consider this post a giant glass of your favorite stuff and please join me in raising it to Royboy, my BFF.