But I also have some big hangups on being free. Most of these things I could probably find in another partner but some of them are specific to Tee and I could search for a thousand years and never find somebody who possessed them all.
Listing things about being single is easy, everyone likes space and time to themselves. But remembering things shared, personal "bliks" (shout out to Professor Dunn) that became inside jokes or couple habits, those will be listed in much more detail, it's the least I can do in tribute to a 3.5 year relationship.
When I go to Chocolate Factory and "forget" to order my sub without the jalapeno bacon (a ritual started specifically for Tee), I have nobody to give it to and end up throwing it away. Sidenote: The first time this happened, I was sans Lola and couldn't have given someone the bacon anyway but when I realized it was time to break this habit, I cried.
I don't have anyone to play with in the shower. Now reader, I know I have Lola and we do indeed play in the shower but that's not exactly what I mean. I used to have a partner who would slip into the bathroom as stealthily as possible (which never worked since you could always feel the breath of fresh air opening the door yielded) and undress, rip open the shower curtain and shake his wanker at me, hollering. Does this sound charming, I don't know know how it sounds to someone other than me, it was our blik. I would also routinely be spied upon, which can be embarassing or really sexy, depending.
I miss the hot lovin' you get when you first fall for someone. The desire to be with one another ALL the time, an experience I've only had once, with Tee and I wonder if it'll ever happen again. I hope most desparately it will. I would actually wake up early, drive to Tee's and spend an hour or two in bed with him before I had to be at work, I surely did love him.
I miss cracking his back after sex.
I miss being able to speak my nonsense way of talking (made-up words, trailing sentences, subject changes and all) and having someone not only understand me, but interpret for the rest of our friends. The only person that comes close is Megan.
I no longer have someone to send articles about things that are dear to me: giant squid, grizzly bears, mummies etc. I know Tee mostly didnt' care about such things but he pretended to for my sake and I occasionally got articles he thought I would like, a pleasant suprise.
Nobody dances with me in my parents' living room to no music anymore.
I don't get to hang out with Tee's Grandma, Teresa. A BIG bummer, she's as chill as her daughter is tense and anal!
Nobody to force-read authors to, then discuss books in length.
I never get touched anymore as someone's equal. It's either touching as Mommy, touching to get a co-worker's attention or not being touched at all. I'm feeling semi-ice queen.